Colonel Shuvra Melmikan: Good morning. Welcome to the daily press briefing from the Laal Hethri Office of the Director for 6 high lux negro 2 after Shai'tan. I see everyone is here with some sort of recording device or a laptop save for Mr. Capote who is clinging to his Moleskine notebook. [laughter]
Capote: At least this is a book worth clinging.
Melmikan: The game is afoot already I see. [laughter] I am sure there are dozens of questions that you have about the situation in Lexington, Kentucky, the involvement of the Laal Hethri in several cases in South Carolina and the death of that young woman at Yale University. I would ask you all in the interest of time here to limit yourselves to one question and if I'm feeling frisky a follow up. As always I'll start with you Truman.
Capote: There's a hush it appears in the reporting from Butcher's Garden about the death of Christopher Kelly. Is there anything new in this investigation?
Melmikan: Nothing that I have Kelly is still being examined by the legal teams prior to his trial at Serratoth Custom House and since that is an extra-jurisdictional case I cannot comment on any findings.
Capote: But he did hit the rocks?
Melmikan: As reported he did arrive in the same manner as a suicide here to Hell not as a Free Citizen. Let's go to Matt there waiting patiently against the wall.
Matt Watts: The readers of the Sheol Deceiver are a bit upset at the lack of balance that appears to be coming out of Butcher's Garden regarding American political scandals. There's a New York politician about to go on trial but his record hasn't been released to the public yet the entire transcript of Steven Nunn's brain scan was on the front page of a rival newspaper this morning. How can this government office explain what looks like a partisan action?
Melmikan: The Office of the Torturer General makes the decisions regarding the public release of cerebral transcripts of the Living. The Office of the Director General of the Laal Hethri makes all decision regarding cerebral transcript releases of the dead or and I must point out a very large "or" those who are being tied in absentia for attempting suicide. Steven Nunn falls squarely into our office's jurisdiction after flying agent verification that he had attempted suicide both by slashing his wrists and by brandishing a firearm at police officers. You have a follow up Matt?
Watts: Sure. So you don't see any hint of Blue Party pressure on this office to keep Liberal scandals off the front pages of the largest papers in hell?
Melmikan: Matt you work for the third largest daily in Hell and Robert Boatwright could run nothing but Liberal political scandal in both his morning and evening editions on the front page with pictures and I'm sure there are plenty enough of them out there both real and imagined to fill that space. [laughs from the reporters in the front] Our procedures have not changed in decades regarding how those brain scans are handled and who handles them and what becomes public. Grevya, you're up.
Grevya Polesth: The guilt or innocence part of Steven Nunn's case is pretty much been cleared up over the weekend what we still don't know is what was the real motivation for him to kill Amanda Ross. The report from your office didn't really cover the motivation is that forthcoming?
Melmikan: I think you'll have to either read the trial transcripts that will come out likely by the end of the week or wait for the man to die an interview him yourself. We're really not in the motivation business we want to get the facts so that Souls can be judged fairly. I don't really have an opinion but many of your colleagues I'm sure do. Most of the newspapers in Kentucky, USA seem to have skirted around the issue because of who allegedly committed the crime. And I say allegedly for the benefit of the Living there because we already know what's what. This sort of knowledge is dangerous when shared with the Living and you can understand why? No follow up? Really? Okay, Mr Nathan Parger looking dapper in a pastel bowtie.
Nathan Parger: How many agents are being used to track down Kristin Maguire?
Melmikan: We currently have 24 flying demons and 50 agents in Canada dedicated to this task plus a small joint task group working here on the internet technology side of the house.
Parger: By joint you mean DJN?
Melmikan: Precisely.
Parger: Thanks
Melmikan: Woufoit Brenbateth congrats on the birth of your fifth son. You have a basketball team and are halfway to fielding an association football side [laughter]. Give your wife my best.
Woufoit Brenbateth: I appreciate that Colonel. Maybe you'll offer me a scoop someday and I'll be able to send all of them to medical school. [more laughter].
Melmikan: [hands on hips] We'll talk later.
Brenbatheth: The Director hasn't made a statement on threats to the president of the United States in sometime and there have been rumors that the Directat Javeth Nathux is engaging in a turf war to take over surveillance of some of the non-Shai'tanist groups operating in the Northern hemisphere. Can you elaborate?
Melmikan: Briefly yes. There is no turf battle and the Laal Hethri is still in charge of all surveillance of potential threats to leaders in the Western hemisphere. The DJN handles Europe Africa and the Middle East and Pain observes all of Asia and the Pacific Rim.
Miss Markingdale?
Carrie Markingdale: Good morning. This Ross case is truly a tragedy what provisions have been made for her transition into the Afterlife® after such a high profile arrival?
Melmikan: Not much really. Several businesses not the least of which is B2H2 [Behmenerg, Bouvier, Hogan and Hepburn Sp Z.O.o.] have expressed an interest in this young woman's talents. I don't think she'll do to poorly here and she seems to be adjusting well under the circumstance. She did suffer an minor brush with a Teleraot shark in the Callugo but that wound to her leg is healing nicely.
Colonel Shuvra Qoboros Melmikan, O.B.R.E., O.Q.H. [Tort.], D.S.V.J.
Public Affairs Officer
Special Branch
6th Urine Dowsing Division
Butcher's Garden
6 High Lux Negro 2 AS
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